Being read is a fear that a lot of us have — being spotted and embarrassed, pointed at and giggled over. And for most of us, when
we go out in public, it will happen. By being “read,” what I am referring to is when someone identifies you as a person of a certain birth gender presenting himself or
herself as the “opposite” gender.
Before going out in public, being read was a big fear of mine. Someone is going to see me, point, laugh, call their friends over and
gawk, poke me in my ribs, pull my wig off and play keep-away with it...ok, maybe that’s a bit exaggerated, but all of those thoughts crossed my mind. I would never have gone out,
for example, to the mall or a grocery store by myself because of the fear that I would be read and become the point of focus in a very embarrassing situation. But several of the members
of our club have helped me go to these places and be very comfortable doing so.
Yes, a few slightly embarrassing things have happened. But I didn’t become the laughing stock of gawking onlookers, the red light
at K-mart didn’t start flashing beside me as the PA system announced a cross-dresser on Aisle Three, and children have not danced around me like I was a May Pole while chanting
“ring around the girlie-boy” or some other cute pleasantry. The few things that have happened have taught me that I possess the ability to determine the significance of
being read, and that is a great power.
A few months ago, I joined Larissa, Jerié , and Christine for an evening of shopping, dinner, and a movie. We were all
conservatively dressed. Larissa wore a demure black tee top with a pleated red and black polka dot skirt. Jerié had on a knee- length black skirt with a raspberry top and her
usually compliment of jeweled accessories, and Christine was dressed in a yellow shell with a white and multi-color print top and green slacks. I had on my ankle-length black skirt with
a long sleeve pink knit top. We blended in well with those around us, and few people had given us a second glance.
However, while walking along the corridor to the theater we were read by at least one young girl that thought we were very entertaining.
She and a friend, both about 15, gave the appearance of well-adjusted and happy teenage girls with light lilts in their walks that showed their confidence and security with their place
in their world. Then comes this aberration. Well, several aberrations if we were all read. Pretty teenage girl number one does a quick intake of breath and I saw her face quickly change
to exaggerated surprise, her eyes opening wide as she hesitates mid-step. Her face shifts again into bemusement as she grabs pretty teenage girl number two, who is looking off to the
side and may not have noticed us, and drags her into the women’s room. Two voices burst out laughing, echoing out from the tiled enclosure.
We walked on. No one else stared or pointed. No one even seemed to take notice of the laughter and reaction of the girls—they were
just people being people, the same as us. Probably no one else knew what had made the girls laugh. That’s just what girls their age do. And all we had to do was continue on our
way. I think I was the only one in our little group that noticed them.
What I was surprised about was that their reaction-or really the reaction of pretty teenage girl number one-didn’t bother me. In
an odd way, I liked her enjoyment of the experience. Over the next few days I wondered about the effect of going out in public where people will recognize my difference. That led me to
think of events and experiences that have shifted other peoples’ lives, often for the better, and that I’ve been privileged to witness or even play a part in. Small events-a
sentence, a perspective, a chance meeting-that have led to a different understanding or that have influenced one’s values or prejudices. As Stephen Katz has said, “no one
thing is just one thing”—how would this girl’s experience change her during the next five, ten, or even twenty years?
It is only supposition, that reading the future, but we can make some general assumptions. First, she would have to remember the
experience. I think her reaction probably ensures we made a strong enough impression on her for that to happen. The memory was probably reinforced as she retold her story to friends on
the phone the next day and later at school. Then it will fade, but I imagine the image will stay with her for some time, recalled occasionally but with shifting perspective as she grows
more mature.
But there is another possibility as well—even a great likelihood—that pretty girl number one will at some point be
confronted with gender issues, and that this small event may combine with others to make those issues less of a problem. Her little brother is caught wearing her clothes; in college she
has a boyfriend (or girlfriend) who experiences some level of gender dysphoria ; or she meets someone who is violently angry that anyone would dare stretch the limits of our strict
two-gender social paradigm. What I hope she remembers about us is that we were simply going along our way, and that no one else minded in the least. That she was the anomaly because of
her reaction. And as her experiences with gender issues accumulate over the years, she may come to realize that it is not so different or laughable or maybe as worthy of disdain as she
once perhaps had thought.
Of course, she could also become the opposite, become one of those adamantly opposed to any flexibility in a two-gender concept imposed
on a world much more full of variety. I doubt that seeing us going on our way would influence her opinions to that end, but what if we had taken her actions as an insult, caused a
scene, gone to the mall management and complained? The impression we made would have been completely different.
How do any of us know the influence we have on others’ lives? Generally we don’t know, we can’t know, and we never
will find out. But we have the ability to choose our perspective of events like being read when we go out in public. We have the ability to assign it a meaning of personal
embarrassment, to color it as a problem that society needs to get past, or to look at such small encounters as potentially positive. And we should remember that the perspective we
choose, how we react to an event, is also “read.” A positive perspective is difficult to keep at all times, but doing so is important not only for our own mental ease but
also for everyone who has found the freedom to extend their life experiences beyond conventional gender definitions and confinements. We may not want our birth gender read, but we do
want our dignity read. May we all be able to find that gem of positive perception within us and help it to grow and flourish for ourselves, our friends, and all whom we have the
privilege to meet when we live our lives with the honesty it takes to allow ourselves to be “ read”.
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